Parenting Teenagers
Part 3
How should we as Christians respond to the
challenge of the sexual Babylon as it is
expressed in our society today?
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
There is an important prophecy in Jeremiah 31:29 concerning the
Incarnation and the coming of the kingdom of God. 'In those days people will no
longer say, 'The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children's teeth are
set on edge.''
A time is coming when people will take responsibility for their own sins, says Jeremiah. No longer will they excuse themselves by blaming their parents. Indeed, God will form a new covenant, and the people of that covenant will delight in heart obedience to his laws.
The prophecy offers great hope for us anxious parents. Why should our teenagers and young adults have their teeth set on edge any longer because of the sexual sour grapes eaten by the previous generation? It is surely time for the people of the New Covenant to set about rearing a generation for whom love and sex are sweet and beautiful, and where bitterness in relationships becomes a thing of the past.
Whether this happens or not will depend to a large extent upon us. We want to suggest that there are three things that we can do to help our children make a success of their sex lives.
KEEP YOUR OWN HOUSE IN ORDER
No man is an island. 'Free love' is very costly – and not just
to the participants. The sins of the fathers (and mothers) are visited upon
their children. Painful it may be, unfair it may seem, but that's one of the
realities of life.
Past sins need resolving. You may yourself have been immoral. Hopefully, you have repented of the deeds. But sexual sins have a habit of lasting long in the memory. Feelings of guilt may arise every time we recall the acts of which we are now ashamed. If only we could start again! But it's too late. What's done is done. And we may fear that, in spite of all our efforts, the same things will happen to our children.
The Gospel never minimises sin, or its consequences. But it does provide a remedy that is totally effective. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from all wrongdoing, and that includes sexual transgression. Jesus deals with both the guilt and the feelings of uncleanness that accompany sin. Sobered by our past we may be, but there is no need for us to wallow for ever in our shame. Rather, we ought to glory in the redeeming power of the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.
True repentance is always worth it! Not only is it the key to saving our own souls but it contains the power to break the curse on our families. Iniquity doesn't have to pass from one generation to another, for God shows mercy to the thousands who love him. Part of what it means to be a new creation in Christ Jesus is to give your family a fresh start, free from the consequences of past sins.
If the past is taken care of, what of the present? Tragically, wrecked marriages litter the church because good Spirit-filled Christians somehow think they're immune from all sexual temptations and find to their cost that they're not. They fall in to sin. Take care, for 'if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!' (1 Corinthians 10:12).
Check...
...that you are free from adultery, and if you are a
single parent, from the temptation to satisfy loneliness by lust. Coveting
another person's partner still causes more marital break-up than any other
single issue.
...that your heart is clear about homosexuality. In spite of the fudging of the issue by some church leaders and the blatant defence of the practice by the 'gay Christian' lobby, the scriptures make it quite plain that those who engage in homosexual acts are no more in the will of God than are those who commit adultery.
...that you have dealt with the issue of pornography and lustful masturbation. Jesus said that if your eye or hand causes you to sin then you should deal drastically with it. Better that than go to hell! (Matthew 5:27-30).
...that you have faced the issue of incest squarely. There is nothing more damaging to a child than to have been party to an incestuous relationship with a father or mother. It constitutes one of the most fundamental betrayals of trust in human relationships. Be on your guard against temptation, especially as your children enter their adolescent years.
Those are the negatives and it is a sad commentary on the state
of the church that we find it necessary to write this, but hard pastoral
experience has taught us the need to do so.
LET YOUR LOVE SHINE
Now to something positive! The greatest help we can be to our
children lies in us providing a role model of what loving relationships are all
about. It's not enough that we tell our kids, 'Mummy and daddy love each
other.' They must see it demonstrated.
Love is a learned experience. It can't be taught from a book. Life-experience teaches children if they are loved or not. It also instructs them as to whether their parents really love one another.
Many children worry about this, particularly in a society where marital breakdown is rife. Rows between parents, simmering tensions and the like, hint that the family may fall apart. And with that goes the child's own sense of security.
We are being watched! Teenage years especially are a time of acute observation. What they see and hear and feel profoundly affects our children. They need firsthand experience of that parental role model which we call 'a passionate covenant'.
True marriage is, after all, not just a piece of paper. It is a bonding of hearts and lives in passionate love so that two people can call themselves one flesh for life. The will of God is nothing less, and that's what our children must see if they're going to believe that Christian marriage works.
Part of what this means is that parents should not be secretive or embarrassed about the sexual side of their relationship. We're not implying that you should embarrass your children by doing things in front of them that properly belong in the bedroom. But, they need to know that you make love and enjoy it Ä and there are plenty of signs of physical affection which can be shared in their presence, all of which says without words that love is real and love lasts.
In a healthy family, children are secure in the aura of the love that their parents have for each other. And this is not simply an ethereal, spiritual love but one that permeates right down to the essential earthiness of the marriage bed.
Teenagers get to know if you are sexual satisfied. Acutely aware of the subject these days, they sense signs of frigidity or frustration. This doesn't mean you have to walk in to breakfast with your arms around each other, saying in a loud voice, 'Wow, didn't we have a great time in bed last night, darling? Isn't it wonderful that we both orgasmed together – just like we always do?' It's enough to make your kids choke on their cornflakes!
If it's going well, you won't need to say so. And if things could be better, why not read our book A Touch Of Love for a complete guide to sexual fulfilment in the will of God? Even if you've been married for a number of years it can bring great refreshment to your relationship.
MAKE THE SUBJECT OPEN SEASON
This is the third thing that we can do. Sex education should
have begun from the very first time they asked questions about where babies
come from. With our own children we told them everything in blow by blow
detail. It bored them silly! They were not the least bit interested and usually
they started playing with their toys after about two minutes. Fascination came
later!
Even so, as children reach their teens, or earlier with girls, there comes the time for that much-dreaded talk about the birds and the bees. Of course, if the subject is already familiar it will not be too embarrassing. Even so, expect some difficulty. Children at this age are self-conscious themselves. Their bodies are changing, as also are their feelings. The moment needs choosing with wisdom.
We suggest getting outside somewhere. Go for a walk. Holidays are a good time. Begin the conversation casually, something along these lines. 'Hey, son, you're looking good these days. I suppose it's time we chatted a bit about growing up.'
On the whole, mothers find it easier to talk to their daughters than fathers to their sons. This is because mothers usually have the practical issue of periods to start the talk off. Fathers don't have that in the same way. They may need instead to talk about nocturnal emissions and masturbation. That's a more difficult subject to open up on. But it must be done. We owe it to our sons. Far better we talk openly than simply sling a book at them, and saying, 'Read that! Talk to me if you have any questions.' Because they won't.
If you're a single parent, you may be feeling irritated and depressed by now, because we're writing about Mums and Dads, and you're just feeling the pain of your own situation. What are you to do?
A single woman can obviously talk to her own daughters, but what about if she has sons? They need to hear from a man. This is where the church comes in. The point of having brothers in Christ is not that they become substitute sexless husbands, but that as real brothers they help in the areas which need a man's input. Choose someone who is securely married, whose wife you get on well with, and who has a rapport with your son. Best if he has sons of his own. If you've got no one else, then talk to the youth leader, minister or elder. Ask, 'Will you chat with my son, please? To be honest I can't handle it, and somebody needs to.'
Having opened up the subject, we've got to keep it open. One talk doesn't do it all. That doesn't mean becoming obsessive about it, but as children progress through their teenage years, their perceptions and needs change. We must respond intelligently and sensitively to them. There are several ways in which we can do this.
KEEP SEX ON THE AGENDA
Keeping the subject of sex and sexuality open means taking
advantage of the natural opportunities that arise.
BODY BEAUTIFUL
For example, it's important that we acknowledge our children's maturing bodies
and flatter them on their physical development. By this we mean expressing a
genuine appreciation of their emerging adult figures. Needless to say, though
the subject has its humorous side, we should avoid any kind of crudity –
there's enough of that going around in the world as it is. We should also
refrain from embarrassing our children in front of others. Most kids do not
appreciate being greeted by Aunt Ethel with the words, 'Ooh, hasn't he grown!'
We all worry about how we look, and never more so than in
those uncertain teenage years. Our task is to encourage self-confidence in our
children. Better that Dad assures his daughter of her emerging beauty than for
her to have to wait until she is desperate for a fellow to do so at any price.
Now, there obviously comes a time when girls need somebody else other than their fathers to tell them they're lovely. But if with cuddles and kind words you have reassured them that they are wanted and loved, when they do enter a relationship with a fellow it will be because they really want to, not because they are driven by insecurity and the need for physical acceptance.
One of the real problems we face today is that girls in particular are bombarded by the media with a message that tells them they do not look good. The not very subtle way this is done is by confronting them with ultra-glamorous models and pop stars who, for an absolute fortune spent on clothes, body shops, makeovers and diets, can appear like goddesses.
The aim is to make your daughter feel ugly by comparison, unless – and here's the point – unless she spends a similar small fortune attempting to look like the model. No wonder many girls just have to buy new clothes every week and that hardly used make-ups, hair dyes and fashion flops litter their rooms. That this hasn't happened to the same degree with fellows is simply because the media hasn't worked so thoroughly on male style – but it's coming!
Tell your daughter she does look all right. God didn't get the plans screwed up when he made her. Things may look too big, too small, too long, too short, too fat, too thin. That's not the issue. God made her like that and somebody's going to love her the way she is. Out there, somewhere, is a fellow who's tuned to just her shape. Never mind her response, 'Good grief, if he's looking for this shape, what kind of shape is he going to be in?'
Boys need equal encouragement. They want their muscles admired. 'Feel that bicep, Dad. Go on. It's harder than yours.' (It probably is.) They want to know that you appreciate their manly chests and the hairs growing on their legs – and, of course, that carefully cultured adolescent moustache. You'll have to get used to regular arm-wrestling as well. Eventually he will beat you at it – he's determined to try, anyway. Even Mum will have to go through the charade of taking on young Mr Universe.
Style is in for boys. They want to look cool. What Mum thinks
matters, because she is first representative of the female sex. If she's not
impressed, will the girl down the road be? Boys want Mum's opinion and her
encouragement, but they don't take kindly to nagging. So Mum has to take on the
role of a female admirer and offer just a touch of advice here and there to
improve the already dazzling image of the cool dude. Call it male
ego-enhancement if you like; we'd sooner call it the ministry of encouragement!
CONFIDENT VIRGINS
Another way of keeping sexuality on the family agenda is, when
you're talking to your children, to pick up on the attitudes that are going
around the school, college or workplace. Sex is a regular topic of
conversation, not always of polite conversation, in the world. Ask your
children what their friends think about homosexuality, or divorce – or
virginity.
It's quite possible that your child is the only self-confessed virgin in the class. (There will be others but they'll never dare admit it.) It can be a lonely role! Ask them how they cope. It will provide you with the opportunity to boost their confidence.
In times past, virginity was prized because it meant that a woman wasn't pregnant with someone else's child when she got married. In the last thirty years, virginity has become a teenage complaint akin to acne – something you wanted to get rid of as soon as possible. But things are changing.
Encourage your kids that nowadays virginity is something to be prized again. It is no cause for shame. To be a virgin (male or female) means you are virtually guaranteed free from syphilis, gonorrhoea, genital herpes, non-specific urethritis, genital warts, crab lice and AIDS. It's not in fact true that everybody is at risk from the latter. If your kids are virgins and they marry virgins, they are effectively immune from the AIDS epidemic. The only people at real risk from this disease are the promiscuous and drug abusers. (In this country, blood products are now screened to prevent transmission by transfusion. There is some small risk to those involved in the medical and associated professions.)
There are plenty of other good reasons for remaining a virgin until you are married, of course. Better a new car than a much-used old banger, and so forth! Build up your children's confidence. Chastity makes sense. Sleeping around is stupid.
MASTURBATION
Secular wisdom has reacted against the heavy condemnations and
hypocrisy of the past by saying that masturbation is not only permissible but
is thoroughly good for you. We parents need to get our own thinking straight if
we are to help our children in this vexed area.
The entire direct teaching on the subject in the Bible can be summed up in one word: nothing. Nowhere does it say that the practice is sinful. What it does condemn is the sin of lust. If masturbation takes place with lust, and realistically it often does, then that combination is wrong in the sight of God.
But we must be careful when we talk about this subject not to make our kids feel that even lustful masturbation is the worst sin under the sun. It's not! People are far more likely to go to hell for respectable sins like pride, self-righteousness, slander and envy than ever they are for masturbation. At least this practice tends to make folk feel rotten, with the potential for repentance, which is more than can generally be said for the others.
The subject needs sensitive handling. Angry confrontation is not the answer. On the whole, we should teach them that it is an unhelpful practice to indulge in. Self-control is a better way. Give them practical advice about avoiding situations when they might be particularly vulnerable. This may be along the lines of not lying in bed for all of Saturday mornings, or spending too long in the loo. Your advice needs to include other ways of dealing with depression than by resorting to self-comfort. For boys in particular (both girls and boys are encouraged to masturbate these days) using up their excess energy in sports activity is an important aspect of sexual self-rule.
Find an opportunity to discuss pornography with your children. What's wrong with pornography? It debases women, (and men too in hard porn). It treats women as less than human. It turns real people in to two-dimensional fantasy images, reducing them to mere sex objects.
God made women in his image. There is, therefore, in every woman that which is Godlike. Pornography reduces people to the level of animal functions. It debases the noble image of God.
You may come across a pornographic magazine under your son's bed, or an erotic novel in your daughter's bag. You might even come in unexpectedly one evening to find your children watching a steamy 18-rated video. What are you going to do about it?
Wild outbursts seldom achieve anything useful. That the item was hidden in the first place suggests they already feel a certain sense of guilt. To come in heavy may only increase that to the point where in self-defence they argue a case which they don't really believe in. Most porn is viewed initially either out of curiosity (and let's face it, we are all insatiably curious about sex) or momentary weakness – or even for a laugh.
It requires quiet, rational discussion, encouragement to remain pure, and a clear reaffirmation of your wish not to have this stuff in the house. You can then help them burn or otherwise dispose of the offending material.
Perhaps we should add here that our own reading and viewing habits should set a good example. Check your bookshelves. Are you happy that your children should read any and all of your books? Is your newspaper more to do with page-three boobs than world events? What do they find you watching on TV?
Having said all this, we must still avoid unreality. We do no favours to our children if we refuse to acknowledge the presence of lust in this world, or if we are unwilling to discuss sexual matters with them in a very down-to-earth and explicit manner. Much modern literature, for example, is not sexually exploitative but nevertheless explores frankly the sexual complexities and realities of human relationships. It may be perfectly legitimate for your children to study such literature for their GCSE examinations.
There's another point to be made, too. There is a world of difference between lustful looks and 'girl-watching', or for that matter 'boy-watching'. Many Christian men in particular have been in false bondage over this, feeling that to notice a pretty girl is to fall immediately into the sin of lust.
Yet God made her attractive. So why not notice her, and give thanks to the Lord? Of course, we can be tempted to lust and that must be resisted. Some women go out of their way to be noticed in a purely sexual manner, but a studied look at the face of the latter is usually enough to dispel lustful desires!
At a more prosaic level, your young teenagers will look at the
opposite sex. Boys will sometimes spend time sitting on fences just looking at
girls. Meanwhile, girls will sit in the intimate confines of the cafe glancing
and giggling together over some hunk waiting in the checkout queue. And why
not? If our children never get to notice the opposite sex, they'll never marry!
We must not rear them to think that they can only glance surreptitiously out of
the corner of their eyes in the hope that you haven't noticed. God created the
opposite sex. His Word speaks unashamedly about human beauty and sexual
attraction. It also warns about the sin of lust. Our job is to teach our
children how, in the words of Paul, to 'Test everything. Hold on to the good.
Avoid every kind of evil' (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22).
The next part will address going out together.
