Contents
Introduction
Engagement
1. A Shortage of Virgins
2. How Far Should We Go?
3. Body Facts
4. Birth Control
The Honeymoon
5. Have You Packed Everything?
6. The First Time
7. Glitches
The Art of Lovemaking
8. Setting the Scene
9. Opening Caresses
10. Making the Connection
11. Coming to a Climax
12. Let’s Celebrate
Having Children
13. Starting a Family
14. Sex Education
A Lifetime of Love
15. Don’t Let Your Love Grow Cold
16. The Change of Life
17. Never to Old for Sex
Appendices
1. Sexually Transmitted Diseases
2. Examining Your Breasts
3. The Song of Songs
4. Guilt Arising from Sexual Abuse
5. Books and Websites
Introduction
Most people want a fulfilling love life – great sex and genuine intimacy, a best friend to hold and to trust, a lasting relationship where romance and sexual passion travel hand in hand along life’s journey.
It’s not so easy to find. Our society promotes a world of sexual freedom without fulfilment, of technique without trust, of expectation without effort. Recreational sex does not produce intimacy; it wrecks it. Safe sex is unsafe: sexually contracted diseases have reached epidemic proportions, unwanted pregnancies have soared and, unexpectedly, the fertility of many women is damaged for life.
Worst of all, we are in danger of losing the art of unconditional love. In a society that divorces sexual experience from loving commitment it’s hardly surprising that many who started out with high hopes find themselves disillusioned by broken relationships and wondering where on earth they went wrong.
Of course, it needn’t be like that at all. It is still possible to enjoy a relationship that combines profound sexual satisfaction with passionate romance and lifelong faithfulness. But it is not automatic. There are skills to be learned, secrets to discover, and changes to be made. What follows will help you do just that.
This book is a sex manual; the following pages contain frank and explicit guidance on all aspects of sexual intercourse. They also include the biological and medical information that you will find useful. But making love is much more than knowing what buttons to press. It should be the supreme expression of a deep and tender passion between two lovers. Sexual fulfilment has as much to do with the quality of our relationship as it does with knowing how to perform in bed.
With this in mind we have set lovemaking in the context of real life, and we have included a number of tips to help you build the strong, loving relationship that makes for a great sex life.
Believing that a sex manual should be user friendly we’ve avoided being too technical, and you won’t find pages of passion killing statistics. You want to make love, not update your database!
We’ve written this book as long experienced lovers ourselves and also as committed followers of Jesus Christ. It’s a position that leads us to believe that covenant partnership is the best basis for a fulfilling sexual relationship. You may or may not share our spiritual convictions – many do, many don’t – but we hope you will at least share our commitment to the life long relationship that our society calls marriage.
With that in mind we’ve grouped the material under five classic themes: Engagement, The Honeymoon, The Art of Lovemaking, Having Children and A Lifetime of Love. As such, the book is ideally suited to those who are just setting out on the road and who would like a map for the journey. However, we also intend it for couples who have travelled some distance and who want to take their bearings, especially if they feel they’ve lost their way or run out of inspiration.
With increasing numbers of people choosing chastity until marriage, and the fact that popular sex education is often unhelpful and confusing, we have assumed nothing. So, if you are sexually experienced and think we are stating the obvious, please bear with us for the sake of those who appreciate clarity and simplicity. For all our readers we hope our book will help you to make love without shame, fear or frustration.
We have lost count of the great number of people who have thanked us for this book since it first appeared. It has become a standard read for newly-weds setting out on their married lives, and it has been widely recommended for many years by doctors, ministers and marriage counsellors. Many a mature marriage has benefited, too: as witness the warm handshakes from grateful husbands accompanied by wives whose sparkling eyes say it all!
This revised edition has allowed us to update a number of matters and to incorporate new material to further enhance the book’s usefulness. We issue it in the hope that it will continue as a popular guide to sexual happiness for another generation of covenanted lovers.
9
Opening Caresses
For a man in the prime of life to reach a climax during intercourse proves no more than that he’s a normal male of the species. It takes much more than that to make him a good lover.
Through lack of knowledge and consideration many sexual encounters consist of little more than a few cursory fumblings, hastily followed by five minutes’ frantic thrusting, all of which leaves the wife high and dry and wondering what the fuss was about in the first place. Such a boorish approach is well expressed in the blunt American phrase, ‘Wham! Bam! Thank you ma’am!’
True lovemaking requires skill and thoughtfulness, and that includes a time for sensitively caressing one another as a preparation for intercourse. This is called foreplay. If it’s done properly, it will more or less guarantee complete sexual satisfaction for you both. It really is more blessed to give than to receive.
In this chapter we want to suggest some of the caresses that you can best incorporate into your foreplay. Rather than providing you with a ‘do this and then that’ flow chart we want to offer a more creative approach. With a bit of imagination you’ll soon produce your own variations on the theme and it won’t be long before you’re on the way to becoming accomplished lovers. If you do find us saying the obvious at times that’s only because we’ve counselled so many who have been sexually frustrated for want of being told the obvious. So, bear with us if you think you know it all!
It’s usual to begin by describing the erogenous zones, by which we mean those parts of our bodies that are particularly sensitive to sexual stimulation. However, we’ll return to these in a moment, because actually the most important erogenous zone you have is your mind. No amount of physical caressing will make up for a lack of attention to your thoughts, feelings and imaginations.
In the previous chapter we tried to stress the value of cultivating a relaxed and positive spirit in your relationship. As far as possible your actual lovemaking should commence with a time when you put one another at ease. You may do this at the end of a busy day, for example, by taking a bath together, or by simply embracing in bed for a while and chatting over the events of your day. You can also combine this with giving one another a sensual back massage or a foot massage. Try using some scented massage oil to enhance the experience.
This should naturally lead on to some further expressions of tenderness and here we’d like to emphasise the importance of visual and verbal caresses. Even a superficial reading of the Song of Songs tells us that the lovers used their eyes and mouths to great effect. Quite unashamedly they observe one another’s naked bodies and describe to each other in frank, vivid metaphors their respective charms. In the fourth chapter the man’s eyes caress his beloved from her head down to her breasts. In the seventh he begins at her feet and allows his eyes to run slowly over her figure to the crown of her head, before returning to her bosom. Not to be outdone, in the fifth chapter, she glides her eyes appreciatively over her man’s nude form.
This combination of visual stimulation and verbal description is very important in building up your partner’s sense of self-worth. You’ll also find it stirs you sexually; frank mutual appreciation is one of the best aphrodisiacs in existence.
You may or may not be a very articulate person. If you’re a poet then you can create your own version of the Song of Songs, but if not you can still find ordinary words to express your endearment. Even: ‘Wow, you look fantastic!’ is better than nothing!
Something else you might like to try is to describe what you’re about to do to each other, or say it as you’re actually doing it. This can be a great turn-on. It also feeds the imagination and this contributes towards helping you not to fantasise about other men or women when you’re making love – a problem that many people wrestle with in our promiscuous society. We’ll return to this in chapter 15.
Now, what about these physical erogenous zones? God has designed certain parts of our bodies so that the right caresses will arouse us sexually. It’s actually a fair bit of us! Caressing the scalp, eyelids, ears, mouth, cheeks, sides of the neck, nipples, lower belly, the genitals, inner thighs, hands and the soles of the feet will work for both sexes. The nape of the neck, the small of the back and the buttocks are also particularly responsive in men, while the breasts, upper arm, the base of the spine and the back of the knees are additional areas of sensitivity in women.
Needless to say, we all vary enormously and you shouldn’t consider yourself undersexed if you don’t get turned on when a particular part of your body is caressed. For example, you may or may not have sensitive breasts; it could vary with the time of the month. Or you might find your ear being kissed too intense. Some days a particular stroke will get you going, on another it may just tickle or irritate you. As your hands get used to exploring every centimetre of each other’s bodies you’ll perhaps find some surprising erogenous zones that aren’t in any of the books. Happy hunting!
According to your mood you may be easy or difficult to arouse. With experience, your partner will gradually become sensitive to your varying needs. Sometimes just stroking your little finger will send you into paroxysms of pleasure and your whole body will feel like one great erogenous zone. You just never know – that’s part of the variety and uniqueness of each one of us.
Speaking generally, it’s best to commence your love play with gentle caresses of a slow, silky, rhythmic quality. The back of your fingers stroking the side of your wife’s neck, for instance. Or her running her fingers through your hair. Let your hands flow lightly over your partner’s body. Vary the rate and pressure and keep them moving from one erogenous zone to another; your hands should never be still. Sometimes your partner may prefer you to use a light scratching action rather than stroking. Tell each other what feels nice. Incidentally, you may find caressing with the palms of your hands rather than your fingertips is more stimulating for you. Try it. And again you could vary the experience by using a drop of massage oil.
It’s natural to kiss a lot during this period of arousal. As most couples know how to kiss we’re not going to insult your intelligence by telling you what to do, except to say that moistened lips and a relaxed mouth make it the most pleasurable. But you’ll want to vary the action with passionate tongue-entwined kisses interspersed with playful teasing pecks. Don’t forget that you can caress your partner’s whole body with your mouth. By planting kisses or by running the tip of your tongue across the skin you can evoke shivers of delight from your loved one. You’ll get the same effect by blowing gently on the skin, too.
Many couples find it convenient to lie side by side during this phase – or you might like to begin in a standing position. You could trying hugging very lightly or brushing your naked bodies together so as to caress one another without hands, maybe with one of you positioned above the other with arms extended to take your weight. Later on you may adopt the classic Song of Songs position with the wife lying on her back, knees slightly bent and legs parted, while her husband embraces her with one arm and caresses her with the other – ‘His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces (caresses) me’ (Song of Songs 2:6). This is very comfortable but it isn’t the only authorised position. Variety is the spice of love as well as of life.
Whether you begin this part of your lovemaking clothed or otherwise is up to you. Caresses that begin over clothes and then creep underneath can be very sensual. But there’s a lot to be said for stripping right off (including socks!) at some time. Not only does this give you the greatest freedom for the physical act of intercourse but it says you are making your whole body unreservedly available to your partner – and this is how it should be. Prudishness about nudity should have no place in your love life, nor should an ‘I can’t be bothered to undress’ attitude. Do, however, make sure the room is warm or you’ll be wheezing something like, ‘How I love the texture of your goose-pimpled skin’, through chattering teeth!
Of course, on occasions you may prefer to make love with some clothes on, for example, boots and stockings, or a transparent sexily-cut negligee, or a peephole bra and crotchless knickers or some other sexual play wear. As for him, well, whatever you can find! There’s nothing kinky about dressing up a bit if that’s your scene together, provided the garments themselves don’t become the object of sexual arousal or essential before it can take place.
A woman’s breasts deserve careful attention; your wife won’t appreciate their being mauled. In fact, she’ll probably enjoy it most if you begin with a very light stroking using your cupped hand. You may then wish to circle your fingertip around her nipple before gently rolling it between your finger and thumb. Don’t pinch! Some women have more sensitivity in the milk ducts that are located just behind the nipple. You can stimulate these by taking the nipple and the areola (the coloured surrounding) between your fingers and thumb and using a slow milking action.
It’s perfectly appropriate for a husband to kiss his wife’s breasts. Try smothering them with kisses, or burying your face between them before running the moist tip of your tongue teasingly across her skin. You can twirl your tongue around her nipples and gently suck them. Later on you might take the whole nipple and areola into your mouth and suck more firmly to stimulate pleasure in her milk ducts. Let her guide you as to what she most enjoys.
Incidentally, nipples vary in size and type like everything else; there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ and it’s no use a woman worrying about them or her breasts in general. Make them freely available for your husband’s delight and you’ll be fulfilling 50% of God’s purpose in giving you the ones you’ve got.
As a woman you know full well that erect nipples don’t necessarily mean you’re sexually aroused. It may just be the cold air! In fact, as your excitement increases, your nipples will begin to be engulfed by the swelling of the surrounding tissues and might not look very erect at all. It might help if your husband knows this. And don’t forget, he has nipples too and they may be very responsive to the same sort of caresses and kisses that he bestows on yours.
Fondling each other’s sexual organs is a vital preparation for intercourse and, although we think it’s a mistake to begin there, sooner or later your hands should find their way to the genital area. We came across a woman some years ago who had never experienced an orgasm simply because she had never allowed her husband to touch her ‘down there’. To her it was ‘dirty’. This inevitably meant she wasn’t properly aroused when he entered her so he always reached his climax long before she was ready. Constant disappointment made her grow disinterested in sex and that had serious repercussions for the marriage.
Remember the graph that showed the different arousal rates for men and women? At least some genital caressing is normally necessary if a woman is to experience orgasm. It also helps a man develop self-control so that he doesn’t come to his climax too soon.
You’ll probably find it easier to assume the ‘Song of Songs 2:6 position’ and the husband can start by gently stroking the whole vulval area. It may help you to imagine that you are seeking to coax a flower into full bloom by your caresses. In the sensual imagery of the Song of Songs, the wife describes her vaginal lips as the folds of a lily flower and feels utterly secure in his loving attentions to that part of her body. ‘My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my lover's and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies’ (Songs 6:2-3).
In a young wife the sexual focus is entirely on the clitoris and this is where your attention should be directed. After some months other parts of the vulva become responsive and in a sexually mature woman the whole area responds to stimulus.
Because the clitoris is very sensitive it can also get sore, so when you begin massaging that area it should be with a circular rolling motion of your fingers but without any frictional rubbing. It should go without saying that you ought always to keep your fingernails well trimmed in order to avoid injury to your wife’s tender parts. After a short while the inner lips of her vulva will begin to swell apart and you can slip a finger into the groove.
Various glands in and around the vagina produce a natural lubrication to ease intercourse. You should use this moisture by dipping your finger into your wife’s vaginal entrance and applying it to the head of her clitoris. By repeating this process at intervals you can keep the clitoris moist, which will both heighten your wife’s pleasure and prevent soreness.
Too much friction on the head of the clitoris will prove overintense for her so you should shift to rubbing the ball of your thumb alongside the clitoral shaft or using your fingers and thumb to massage the foreskin up and down the shaft. Vary this as suits her best.
As your wife becomes more sexually experienced the surfaces of her inner lips will become responsive and you can arouse her by rolling one between your finger and thumb or by light caresses with your fingertips using moisture from her vagina.
Your attentions should include the vagina. A finger can be inserted and with it you may mimic intercourse. After a couple of minutes you could add a second digit and give her some wiggly sensations. You may also find that the area just behind the entrance, the perineum, is particularly sensitive to some light caresses.
The G-spot provides another area of high sexual stimulus for a woman. This is accessed by inserting a finger just inside the vagina and hooking it slightly to stimulate the deeper tissues behind the bladder and urethra. Whether such a ‘spot’ actually exists is a matter of debate. What is known is that the clitoris is the focus of a much larger area of sensitivity than was previously thought and so may be stimulated at its root from within the vagina. See what works for you but don’t be foolish enough to imagine that the perfect arousal is simply a matter of finding one hidden spot.
You can also use a vibrator or vaginal wand to stimulate your wife, but don’t let these become a substitute for you using your own fingers.
When your wife’s inner lips are swollen so that the outer ones are pushed apart and the clitoris is engulfed, and when you can insert two fingers into a moist vagina, she is ready for intercourse. The flower is in full bloom. By now her breathing and heart rate will have increased and she may be flushed as well. Most important, she’ll tell you she’s ready for it, in fact desperate for you to enter her.
A woman can easily be brought to orgasm by these caresses alone, particularly the clitoral ones. In fact, if she finds it difficult to reach a climax during intercourse in the early weeks of marriage we recommend that you caress her to orgasm so that she can experience what it’s like.
It doesn’t mean it’s all over should you accidentally bring her to a climax before intercourse. A woman is quite capable of having several orgasms at a time. But she’ll need a few minutes of further preparation to regain her sexual excitement before you seek to enter her.
There are times when you’ll find your wife isn’t producing much natural lubrication. This may be due to hormonal fluctuations or she may be dry if she’s just removed an internal tampon at the end of her period. If you are to avoid painful intercourse it’s vital that you supplement what she is producing. You can do this either by transferring saliva from your mouth with your fingers or applying some K-Y Jelly, vaginal lubricant or spermicidal cream to her vulva. Some women react to saliva and if your wife does then rely on creams.
Although most men attain an erection easily enough – usually the moment love play commences – many worry about losing it. This fear can make a man hasty in seeking to prepare his wife, resulting in a lack of fulfilment for her.
No man in his prime need have this fear because even if he does wilt for a while, a wife who knows what she’s doing can always bring him back to an erect state.
Your husband will appreciate you lightly caressing his scrotum and the shaft of his penis. In fact these soothing motions may help him contain himself. The actual muscle of his penis runs right between his legs behind his scrotum and you’ll find that he enjoys you fondling him there. You can run your fingers from the base to the tip of his penis if you wish or you might like to grasp the shaft firmly and squeeze. He will find it pleasant if you hold the shaft and massage it up and down – but not too much or else he may ejaculate early. Lightly running a fingernail up the underside is also stimulating for some men. These caresses can be made all the more pleasant if you use some form of lubrication. It will also prevent him from getting sore.
