We
believe in romance; and once you are
married sex and romance should go hand in hand. The trouble is, life has a nasty habit of separating the two --
especially once the honeymoon is over.
For many couples, those romantic moonlit
walks are replaced by a hastily-downed cocoa while watching the late night news
before crashing out to prepare for another busy day. As likely as not the evening has been filled
with washing, ironing and decorating – or yet another church meeting. Both partners are exhausted and they have had
little opportunity to talk. Not until
they are in bed does natural desire take over. If they've still got the energy, they make love.
It will be satisfying in its own way. The one-flesh experience between husband and
wife should never be despised, however routine. But this all too common scenario is a long way removed from the
passionate sensuality of, say, the Song of Solomon, a book designed among other
reasons to inspire sexual love. What has
happened to the zeal of the lover 'leaping across the mountains, bounding over
the hills'? Where is the Shulammite's
dance, entrancing her husband with her sultry beauty so that he bursts into
poetic appreciation of her charms?
THE
LEISURE TO LOVE
The
so-called leisure age appears to have passed most of us by. Twenty-first Century life doesn't exactly
foster unhurried romance. We live in an
age of hard-driven materialism. It's a
climate in which it is easier to use every spare moment attending to things
rather than cultivating relationships. The latter is just so inefficient and uneconomic!
As a result, many folk take love for
granted. It becomes, especially for
husbands, the assumed basis for sex, rather than a passionate reality. Yet God wants more than to provide for our
biological needs. We don't marry just
for divinely-approved sex. We marry
because we've fallen in love, and sexual intercourse is the highest, most
joyful and satisfying expression of that love. So we need to concentrate, not on sexual technique, though that has its
place, but upon how to foster romance within marriage.
To do so, we must be prepared to be
gloriously inefficient! Romance requires
time. If we find ourselves too rushed,
too busy to love, then we are indeed too busy. Psalm 127:2 (RSV) says, 'It is in vain that you rise up early and go
late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives his beloved
sleep.' The first step in nurturing love
is to take control of time, instead of letting it control us. Life must be measured from now on by the
quality of our relationship rather than the number of activities we can pack in
to a day.
Ideas:
Start
making love at seven in the morning. Try
kisses, gentle wait-until-later caresses, tender words that set your partner up
for the day, with the promise of something good at the end. It'll do you a lot more good than watching
breakfast television!
Have a Sabbath evening once a week. Take the phone off, disconnect the
doorbell. You might as well be out as
far as everyone else is concerned. No
decorating, ironing, cleaning, cooking, studying. You're both fully booked tonight – for each
other. Do whatever you like, provided it
involves the two of you together. Take
the whole evening to enjoy your lovemaking.
Try springing pleasant surprises on your
spouse. 'Boring' and 'predictable' are
adjectives all too commonly used by couples to describe their love lives. Same time, same place, same way. Why not plan an unexpected weekend away? Or, set the scene for him so that he comes
home to find you seductively attired for love instead of still in your jeans
and T-shirt. How about preparing a meal
for her, complete with candles and soft music? Or take her out for the evening. And don't despise those time-honoured expressions of love: flowers and
chocolates.
The advent of children makes some of these
things more difficult. But where there's
a will, there's a way. Babysitters, or
later on when they are teenagers, 'Do not disturb' arrangements, can all be
used to good effect and ensure that you have time for romance.
COMMUNICATE,
MATE!
We
always encourage courting couples to do a lot of talking. Using our tongues to communicate with each
other is still the most powerful form of body-language there is!
Sexual intercourse is described in the Bible
as 'knowing' your partner. Talking is
how we get to know one another. Without
it, it's possible even within marriage to feel you are making love to a
stranger.
Though chatting about what you've done
today, or discussing the bills, may not seem very romantic, it is actually very
important. Men need to realise
this. When a wife says, 'I want to talk
with you', it's quite cloddish to reply, 'What about?' She just wants to talk, man!
Real communication goes deeper than this, of
course. But we all need time and
patience from our partners before we are able to start sharing our innermost
feelings. The way in to the 'holy of
holies' is through the outer courts of ordinary conversation. It's a great privilege to be allowed in to
the holy ground of another soul. Quite
properly, even with our partners in marriage we may not trample straight in.
All good lovers develop their own intimate
language. That includes pet names for
each other's 'naughty bits', as well as private 'come hither' signals. Without the latter, it's possible, in the
pressure of life, to grow quite insecure. 'Do you want to make love, or don't you?' 'Well, yes.' 'Huh, I'd never have guessed
it!' Not the most entrancing start to
half-an-hour of passion!
The best communicators never assume. We once knew a couple who never bothered
saying, 'I love you', because they thought it too twee, and unnecessary. Sadly, they are now divorced. Those who tire of whispering sweet nothings
may just someday find themselves shouting bitter somethings.
Ideas:
The
best communication between partners usually takes place as incidental to
something else. Turn off the TV and the
computer. Talk while doing the ironing
or mending something. Chat while you
tackle the decorating or gardening together. Go for walks or drives just to enjoy talking.
Don't return straight home after doing
late-night or Saturday shopping. Instead, take a cool-box for the frozen stuff, then go have a slow
coffee together.
Make sure you have a chat time at end of
each day. What is more urgent in your
life – the ten o’clock news, or talking with each other? If you have a video, you can always record it
for later. The world will surely survive
the night without your perceptive observations!
PROPHETIC
MARRIAGE
Some
older books give the impression that romance is rather self-indulgent. The spiritual athlete should strip down,
discipline himself against the desires of the body and burn himself out for the
sake of the Gospel. The enjoyment of marriage
must be sacrificed to this greater end.
Frankly, folk who feel like that are better
not to marry. It's an attitude which
belongs properly to those called to celibacy, but is inappropriate for those
called to marriage. Whatever the will of
God is for us, it should be embraced heartily as something 'good, acceptable
and perfect' – not as something filled with conflicts.
That is not to say marriage is an end in
itself. Jesus made it clear that there
is no marriage in heaven. And we must
always love the Lord above even our partners. There are legitimate sacrifices to be made for the sake of the Gospel.
But this is just a matter of good
discipleship, and is true of every other area of life. If we are granted wealth, we are to steward
it for the kingdom's sake. Our healthy
bodies are for the Master's use. And a
Christian marriage, rather than being in conflict with the Gospel, should be an
expression of it.
This is accomplished by the way in which we
love one another. Paul's words in
Ephesians 5:21-32 were radical in his day, and they remain so in our
society. The idea of an intimate,
self-sacrificing, lifelong love which expresses as a visual aid the love
between Christ and the church is something folk around us need to see. To be married as Christians is to fulfil a prophetic role.
Many marriages today are for economic or
sexual convenience. Love may be there
but it plays a small part as life makes its demands. Some break up, others settle for a trouble-free
existence by avoiding being too close. There's a lot of disappointment.
It may seem a small point, but we have
noticed that people look at us when we stroll along the sea front. It's because we hold hands. Young lovers do, too – but we are not so young,
still madly in love, and not ashamed to show it! Ask us why, and we'll point to Jesus.
So, instead of feeling unspiritual when you
spend time romancing and making love, why not see it as a vital part of the
joyful will of God? Remember, what you
produce in private together determines the quality of what others see in
public.
Ideas:
Discuss
together any areas where you feel there is a conflict between your love for
each other and your serving the Gospel. Are these due to a faulty understanding on your part? Or, are false demands being made upon you by
others? Do either of you have a
conscience about spending romantic time together?
Pray that your love will blossom and bear
fruit in the lives of others. Especially
pray that your children will discover what true love is all about by observing
your example.
Sex
without romance is like food without flavouring, and served without style. It'll do to keep you going, but it makes
eating a pretty bleak experience if that's how it always is. God wants to bless our love with spice --
passion, excitement, adventure, the stuff of novels can be ours! 'Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill,
O lovers' (Songs of Solomon 5:1). All it
takes is a little time, a bit of care and attention towards the precious one
who has chosen to share their life with ours.
Ó John & Jan Houghton
